I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize