I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
