Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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