We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
