I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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