the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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