Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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