I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
