When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
