were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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