I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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