i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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