i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize