There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
