Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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