I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
