I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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