I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
