Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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