Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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