So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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