OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
