Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
