I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
