I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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