Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
