apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
