So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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