good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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