I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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