.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
