a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
