Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
