this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
