I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
