OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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