They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
