If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
