She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
