Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
