i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
did i just pee glitter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
