so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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