You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
