Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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