Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
