But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
