i love accidental penises.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
