I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
