I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hippo gnu deer
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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