youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
