I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
