meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
