I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
