Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We got so high we made milksteak
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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