The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
