So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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