I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
