She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
