Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
