Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
