You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
