I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
